Sarcastic Opinions about the 2013 WWDC Keynote

For this post, I’m not going to explain/factually discuss the new software/hardware unveiled at WWDC for a couple of reasons:

1. Everyone else has done so.

2. You can just go to Apple’s homepage and learn about OSX 10.9, the iOS 7 beta and the new Macs.

Please note: These are NOT my actual opinions.

Alright. Let’s start off slow and cover the hardware unveiled.

2013 Macbook Air:

  • “Guys, the battery lasts ALL DAY. We said something like this in 2008 when we introduced the Macbook Air, but trust us, it’s 2013. And in 2013, we only speak the truth, dude.” – someone at Apple.
  • The 13′ model is now $1099. Am I supposed to be jumping up and down or something?
  • Finding key differences in the 2013 Macbook Air in comparison to the 2012 model will be like playing a game of “hide and go seek” for 6 hours on an endless path of computer boards.
  • There’s AC Wifi. But how many people can seriously benefit from it when people still find it convenient to pay for 3-5Mbps internet in their home? Maybe if all those people owned Drobos….which I’m sure someone paying for 3-5Mbps internet has not heard of.

New Mac Pro:

  • “Hooray! Apple hasn’t forgotten about us!” – the entire computer nerd community who thinks it’s okay to buy Mac Pros, rather than using their own expertise to build a Hackintosh.
  • Someone on Hacker News posted about R2D2 mods. I can’t wait to do this (if I can buy one)
  • Pricing starts at $6,666.666 dollars. Tell no one.
  • Crazy theory: 7 6’s = 7×6 = 42. 4+2 = 6. Do this 3 times (3 groups of (4+2)) and you get 18. Add the remaining 6 to get 24. 24 is divisible by 4, which = 6. I had a bagel for breakfast yesterday.
  • “Guys, it is NOT a trashcan. It is the cylinder in which all of your dreams are stored upon.” – someone else at Apple.
  • Thunderbolt 2.0: again, Apple is clearly a 2013 company. It’s the way of the future guys, so throw out your Thunderbolt 1 accessories, ’cause you’re gonna want TBolt 2.0
  • Where’s the new Thunderbolt 2.0 display?? The first one wasn’t fast enough.
  • There is no CD/DVD Drive. Please, just go buy an external already. Stop complaining.

OSX 10.9: Mavericks

Generally Speaking:

  • Wow, I knew the execs at Apple were self-centered, but this takes it to a whole new level. Naming an operating system after a beach? Or better yet, after something in California? What makes California so much better than the other 49 states and several territories part of the U.S.? But, what do I know. I don’t work for Apple. Maybe one day we will see the light of “OS Fripp” or “OS Savannah” once the board gets their heads out of that California sand.
  • OS X Sea Lion really was a better name for OS X 10.9. Shame on the person who thought it’d be funny to get our hopes up. Sea lions are awesome.
  • WOW, YOU HAVE FINALLY FIXED THE PROBLEMS WITH MULTIPLE DISPLAYS.
  • No price was set. You have me worried I won’t be paying $19.99 for OS upgrades anymore. Maybe you’ll start tiering out OS X Mavericks: Standard, Premiere, and Developer editions. The first two cost $19.99 and $49.99, Developer edition is free w/active Mac Dev subscription. This is how you irk nerds.
  • Please don’t drop C2D support. Sincerely, someone who wishes there were i5 13′ Macbook Pros in 2010.

Maps:

  • Hooray, we FINALLY get to experience the epic fail that is Apple Maps on our Macs! Yay!
  • Flyover and Send to iOS will only work on Macs built and sold in 2013 and later. Sorry, but we don’t care about our 2012 crowd. You’re so last year.

iCloud Keychain

  • Guys, we basically stole 1Password for the Mac and said “here ya go!”

And last but not least…..

iOS 7!

  • “Guys, you have got to stop thinking about Steve Jobs. “Oh, Steve Jobs wouldn’t have wanted this, he wouldn’t have wanted that;” Shut up. I’m the captain of this ***** now.” – Tim Cook
  • Notice how there’s only one or two photos of a black iPhone running iOS 7 on the Apple website? Yeah, that’s totally intentional. You need to buy white iOS devices from now on. Do it.
  • The team at Apple wanted to set a record for “flattest thing ever” in an attempt to beat out Kansas as “the flattest state ever”. They totally succeeded.
  • 14 Days ago, you could order a 4th generation iPod touch from the Apple website. It doesn’t support iOS 7. Coincidence? I think not. Fun fact: You can still order one from the refurb section of Apple’s online store.
  • Apple decided to give the iPad Mini Airdrop capabilities, but not the 3rd generation iPad, which I should mention, is slightly more powerful. Hear that? Only devices with Lightning connectors get AirDrop. “Screw you legacy 30-pin connector people. That’s 2012. And we are a 2013 company.” – Apple
  • They still haven’t fixed Maps. Maybe they will get around to it when they get their heads out of the California sand. Is it really that nice?
  • WHY CAN’T YOU LET DEVELOPERS HAVE FILESYSTEM ACCESS ON iOS?? *cue a very loud “hmph”.*

Check back for my actual opinions, which is when people will actually be able to see iOS 7 and OSX 10.9 for themselves.

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